The Bitch (Postal)

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The Bitch (Postal)
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"And don't forget my Rocky Road!"
Yeah right, with an attitude like yours, who'd wanna buy things for you?
Gender: Female
Type: Lazy ungrateful spouse
Species: Human (later Demon)
Media of origin: 'Postal'

The Bitch is the nickname given to the Postal Dude's unnamed wife in the Postal franchise. She served as the main antagonist in Postal 2, forcing the Dude to run errands fur her while she stays in their bedroom in their mobile home. She made her first official physical appearance in the franchise's titular movie and served as a secondary antagonist in Postal 2: Paradise Lost.

Why She's Truly a Bitch

  1. All she does is stay at home and do nothing while forcing her husband, the Postal Dude, to run errands fur her, like getting an autographed copy of Gary Coleman's autobiography What I'm Talkin' Bout and cutting down and bringing back a Christmas tree in the forest even though it's July.
  2. Even when the Dude DID get all the items she needs, she does not congratulate him and instead belittles him over the smallest things.
  3. As shown in the movie, which was later made canon in Paradise Lost, she is a morbidly obese slob who does nothing but sitting on the bed all day and watching TV while eating big bowls of chips.
  4. She somehow manages to cheat on the Dude with several people behind his back, most notably a neighbour and Officers Greg & John.
  5. As revealed by the Dude on Tuesday when he has to return The Bitch's library book, he revealed that she can't even read at all. This means that not only is she very lazy and abusive but also illiterate and uneducated.
  6. When the Dude lied to her that he was on a "sabbatical" when he actually got fired by his boss Vince Desi (the CEO of Running With Scissors, his employer), The Bitch did not sympathise him or help him find another job. Instead, she simply shoves in more errands for him to do on her behalf.
  7. She also has skewed priorities too, as instead of accepting the Dude's apology and forgiving him after he apologised for dirtying her carpet with napalm while showing off his newly-acquired napalm launcher, she screams at him for ruining it.
  8. As a demon, she kidnaps Champ, the Dude's loyal pet pitbull, forcing him to confront her one-for-one in the Hell Hole's massive arena.
  9. She never ever stops nagging the Dude about her missing Rocky Road ice cream, despite the fact that Paradise, their hometown, doesn't even sell ice cream in the first place. This got so bad that he actually shot himself in the head just to get her to shut up! No, we're not making this up.
    • This even continues in Paradise Lost twice: Once before her first boss fight in the junkyard and finally during her penultimate boss fight, where she whines loudly about how "ungrateful" the Dude is, all over some ice cream!

Redeeming Qualities

  1. If the Dude performs a Pacifist run throughout Paradise Lost before her final boss fight and defeats her with a Bean Bag Gun, the Bitch will finally have some senses knocked into her and sincerely apologizes for being so ungrateful to him, showing that she still does have a wafer-thin piece of humanity in her.
  2. It is satisfying to watch her get blown up with the IED in the Postal movie and after defeating her in Paradise Lost, but it only happens outside a pacifistic run.

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