Gary Coleman (Postal)

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Gary Coleman (Postal)
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Gary Coleman Postal.png
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"Whatchu talkin' 'bout, asshole?"
Well, YOU'RE the asshole for treating your fans like shit, Gary.
Media of origin: 'Unknown'

Gary Coleman was an American actor, comedian, and writer best known for his role as Arnold Jackson in Diff'rent Strokes. While he is beloved amongst fans of the show in real life, the same couldn't be said for his Postal 2 counterpart.

Why He Sucks

  1. Terrible first impression: When you first enter the Running With Scissors complex, there is a massive billboard advertising Gary's autographing session in Paradise Mall. The slogan is very passive-aggressive as it has a huge portrait of Gary saying "Whatchu looking at fool? Buy the damn book!" on it. This automatically gives any Running With Scissors employees the wrong impression that he is very nasty and mean and resorted to using threats to get people to buy his autobiography What I'm Talkin' 'Bout. (Spoiler alert: He really is mean and nasty in-game.)
  2. He never ever gives his fans a chance to even have a small talk with him as he'd simply shoo them away after signing his autographs onto his biographies and giving them away. This shows that he literally gives zero fucks about his own loyal fans post-Diff'rent Strokes.
  3. Apparently, he is also a pervertic womanizer as if you listen carefully to Mike J's conversation with Gary, you'd learn that when Mike J used to bring Gary to The Cow Pony (a Western-themed bar located outside of Paradise, Arizona), all Gary did was hit on women several times his size. Yes, you're reading it right: A black midget with lifelong kidney problems tried to get into one-night stands with women a lot taller than he is!
  4. He literally couldn't be bothered to check the queue waiting fur his autographed biography, as some of his fans would actually come back and collect more copies fur themselves and to sell on eBay at hyperinflated prices. In other words, he gives zero fucks about celebrity scalpers.
    • In fact, it is possible to find 2 or more copies of his biography when you kill his fans after his shootout with the police.
  5. He used verbal threats in an attempt to prevent people from selling his biography online. One of the threats that he gave to his scalpers, including the Postal Dude, is "If I see you selling this on eBay, I will come to your house and kick your narrow ass!".
  6. He is very disrespectful towards the police, as when they sent out an arrest warrant fur him, he yelled at them to "go back to the donut convention, I ain't going nowhere" and when the police actually stormed into the biography booth at Paradise Mall's event atrium, Gary and his bodyguards proceed to start a shootout with them!
  7. Gary's laugh. Oh god, it sounds more like a cheesy demon's laugh from a Mystery Science Theatre 3000 movie!
  8. While most enemy NPCs will yell "Fuck!", "I'm hit!", "Ow, you bitch!", "My (insert body part or organ here)!" or variations of them in a realistic manner, Gary's injury voices are very childish and unrealistic as all he'll say when getting hit or shot are "Eugh...", "Ack!!" or "You bitch!".
  9. In Apocalypse Weekend, he can run really fast despite having a very visible leg wound bandaged up loosely, for some reason.
  10. The first thing he did after being openly radicalized and motivated by an elite terrorist alongside some vegan protestors and high-level terrorists is to shoot the Dude, who is one of his fans in the first place!
  11. In Postal 2: Paradise Lost, Gary had created a very disgusting shrinking serum out of heavily-refined beer and his own piss! No, we're not joking!
  12. Overall,this is a terrible version of a real life celebrity.

Redeeming Qualities

  1. If you ask nicely, Gary would automatically warm up to you and sign your petition happily after you help him defeat the police officers gatecrashing his biography session.
  2. During the interim period between Postal 2 and Postal 2: Paradise Lost, Gary has become a lot friendlier and is very nice towards the Dude when they meet again in the latter... until the Dude shrinks Gary's mount Big McWillis and sends him falling into a really, really deep chasm in the mine.

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